Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Mommy Guilt/Self-Doubt/Inadequacy/Lack of Balance

So I posted the following on Facebook a little bit ago:

"Feeling ridiculously inadequate and a lack of balance today. Lunch at 3:45 probably doesn't help..."

And after receiving a "like" and a comment, wrote the following response (I felt it was a bit too dark and "Debbie-Downer" to subject the Facebook world to encountering.  So here we are...my Facebook comment that won't be on Facebook:

crap!  i totally selected the "only me" option for where to post this!  It would've been the first time for me to try out that feature...and i thought, "okay, i hope this doesn't post to everyone..."  annnnnd, fail.  Yeah, one of those days where I really didn't wanna post or talk about it because I try to keep things positive, AND because I'm trying to be better about not negatively affecting my hubby's mood before he even gets home, ya know?  I mean, he has a long drive home, and who wants to come home to someone they know is having a down day?  At the same time, felt like I needed to get it all out.  Obviously, I was already having some doubts earlier today (per the post this morning), but then, the first thing Jillian says AS she's getting in the car when I picked her up was, "Mommy?  You haven't ever come up to the school to eat lunch with me.  And all the other kids' parents have."  And when I say "AS" she's getting in the car, I mean, AS she's opening the door.  Then, on the way home, "Mommy, when can someone from my class come over for a playdate?  Nobody has come over from my class..."  (and yes, she does have friends come over - it's just more difficult with friends with parents that I'm not constantly in contact with - it helps to know friends' parent's schedules...because we all have crazy schedules, and trying to match them up is NOT easy)...and then, we get out of the car:  "Mommy, when can we get new sand in the sand table?"  REALLY?  REALLY?!?!?!?!!  Oh, wait - then, Jillian sees a letter she wrote to my friend/their godmother, Tanya, on the table...and says, "Mommy?  When can we get more stamps?"  (oh, note:  just now - "Mommy?  When ARE you going to send this to Family Fun Magazine?" - referencing a super brilliant idea I had yesterday - took pics and notes on it, and apparently, it was a mistake to excitedly tell Jillian about it...)  So yeah, back to the stamps:  Jillian - we don't need more stamps - my *plan* was to mail it off with an order that I need to mail off - either tonight (if I can get it done) or tomorrow morning.  

so then, I go back to what I always go back to:  killing myself with guilt.  Should I even be trying to maintain my own, small business?  Clearly, I am slacking.  Clearly.  Because, yeah.  I wanted to be a SAHM.  I should want to go eat lunch with my daughter.  I shouldn't think to myself, "dang, that crosses off that day as a day I can work (because it's a 20 min drive to the school...and by the time I get done there, there would be no point in going back home before needing to get Everett at 2)."  But, the fact is, I DO think that.  I love what I do.  I love that I can do something that allows me to create.  And to get some sense of validation for any hard work that I put into it ...yes, I'm implying that parenthood results in very little validation for any hard work...unless you consider, "Mommy...(fill in the blank with something you still need to do and/or have failed or forgotten to do)" any remote form of validation.

But maybe, maybe I can at least make something good for my kids to eat for dinner?  I tried this last night.  Once again, a battle with Everett.  All because I tried something new and nutritious.  Basically, because I tried to do a better job at doing my job.  Rather than doing what I usually do, and relying on Richard to make something that I'm almost certain they'll like.  

But then, maybe sleep will make it all better, and I'll wake up, and it'll be a great, new day!  Or maybe, it IS a great day.  And then I open Everett's door to get him ready for school, and he immediately starts crying over something that happened yesterday, and tells me that he doesn't want to go to school.  So I get him ready, and throw a breakfast together for him (sippy/travel cup of milk included).  I drop him off at school.  I come home, ready to work.  As I'm getting out of the car, I notice his sippy cup in the back seat.  On its side.  It has leaked.  ALLLLLLLL in my husband's car.  Alllllll over Jillian's library book, that she enjoyed in the car earlier (a book on how to draw the human figure, btw).  I try my best to get the milk cleaned up in the car...then the book.  Because the library has a knack for basically charging one double the amount of an actual book to replace a damaged book.  I work with the book.  Dry it with towels.  Google how to get milk (read:  milk is sticky) off of book pages successfully/get pages unstuck from each other.  I try their suggestion:  hair dryer.  It sort of works.  Pages are still very affected.  I'll be buying a new book.  I move on with my day, working on SJB stuff, wondering (as I wondered earlier, "is it all for naught?") - I move past that thinking...and get a little bit done.  It is suddenly time to leave to pick up Everett from school, and then Jillian.  And here we are.

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